Ordinary Moments

About 6 years ago, I noticed changes in my breast that eventually led to a diagnosis of triple-negative breast cancer. Six years later, I am ever grateful for the simple fact that I am alive.

But over these past 6 years, I’ve been plagued by the idea that – having survived a potentially deadly disease — I should be doing greater things with my life. This idea, I suspect, is one of the unmentioned after-effects of cancer, promoted by all the smiling faces on survivorship posters, the Facebook people who post their travel photos, the TV ads that show active people feasting on the very air. Look at all those survivors  – starting foundations, running marathons, changing the way the world spins.

And here am I, doing the dishes, going to the grocery, taking the car in for repairs. These are the activities that occupy what seems to be an excessive percentage of my days. I don’t know how to start a foundation. What’s more, I don’t have the drive or energy to find out. I gave up running long ago, a casualty of laziness and sensitive joints. Sometimes, it’s all I can do just to put three somewhat healthy meals in my mouth in the course of a day.

Make no mistake: I have great faith and belief in the everyday work I do – teaching, writing, looking after my family – simply because I believe these activities are important, if only to me. (No one has ever accused me of lacking ego!) But always there is the nag in the back of my head who says: “Why aren’t you doing more with your life?”

It’s a never-ending trap, this idea that we should always be doing something more – that who we are and what we do is somehow never enough. The size of this trap expands exponentially once you’ve been seriously ill, the product of the idea that contemplating death imbues a life with greater meaning and therefore greater action. This trap can be as psychologically damaging as the illness itself because of the guilt attached: “I’ve survived, so surely I’m supposed to solve world hunger?”

And that’s why I’m glad to see a change in focus in the ads now broadcast by a nearby cancer treatment center. Finally, here’s an ad that dismantles the trap, that reflects the reality of most of us who survive treatment. We mow the lawn, we make toast, we sort the laundry. I don’t like the implication in this ad that cancer is now an everyday occurrence – a speed bump on the way to the grocery —  and I chafe at ads that pit a center’s survival rates in a marketing competition against others. But I am glad to see the expectations made realistic. Life after cancer is pretty much as it is beforehand — full of ordinary moments.